When There is no Bow

 

I am a huge fan of the triumphant stories. I love hearing people share about going through what seemed like the darkest depths—when they were so discouraged and weighed down that they never thought they would see the end, but then everything came together and they crushed the obstacles and overcame. I am inspired by the testimony of the couple whose marriage was falling apart, but they somehow persevered and stayed true to their commitment to each other and their hearts began to change; and now, 10 years later, here they are on the other side, talking about their “stronger than ever” love with smiles on their faces. I love seeing confident women telling stories about their past struggles with identity, body image, and believing the lies of the world, and how they overcame those struggles with truth and are on a mission to help other women do the same.

I just love it.  I love ALL the success stories.

But what about the stories with the not-so-successful endings? Or the ones without an ending at all, because the grimy “dark depths” part is the story— at least for all they can see? Why don’t we ever see #InTheGrimeAndLovingIt attached to any instagram post? Well, I think it’s because many people don’t feel like they have a story to share if they can’t finish it up with, “but everything is super de-duper wonderful now,” or “but it all worked out and we’re millionaires!” Now don’t get me wrong; I am extremely happy for those people that it does work that way for, but it’s just not everyone’s reality.

I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that the majority of the people around us are not in the wrapped-up-with-a-pretty-bow stage of their story right now. They’re in the cut-the-wrapping-paper-too-short-so-you-have-to-rip-it-all-off-and-cut-another-piece-only-to-realize-at-the-last-fold-that-you-are-out-of-tape stage. Maybe I’m the only one that this happens to at Christmas, but it’s sort of the analogy that I imagine when I think of what relates to my life right now. I have no pretty bow. I have hard, discouraged, defeated, and stressed. And those do NOT make for pretty decorations, TBH.

Life is freaking hard. There are lots of days when I feel the pressure on me like the Instant Pot making your bone broth. One thing goes wrong, seeming to start a cascade of things going wrong that makes me *almost* lose my mind and want to say cuss words while I’m driving. I feel defeated by what the next day entails before it even gets here, and it is hard to find purpose in what I’m doing when I can’t see past the obligations that just keep stacking up. There are days where I just feel overwhelmed, like I live in a constant mode of waiting for this season to end, so I can get on to the next—because the grass is always greener over there, right?

Writing this makes me feel kind of uncomfortable because I’m really not great at sharing my struggles. Although I am learning that it is okay necessary to be more than just coffee and chocolate (and I will neither confirm nor deny that I have some of both sitting next to me…). It’s not fair to only share the highlights; even though those are part of life too, they aren’t ever the whole story.  And quite honestly, I haven’t shared on this blog in months because I haven’t been able to wrap anything up with a “pretty bow” ending. Even though I know that almost two years ago I felt a calling to be intentional with my life in this way, I have still allowed the enemy to tell me that I don’t have it all together enough. I’ve bought into the lie that not having a pretty bow must mean that I don’t have anything of value to share. LIES.

So here it is; this is life right now.  This is the grind, the part that is not amazing but strengthens me for a bigger purpose and makes my faith stronger as I am stretched and challenged. The part where I must decide how much I really believe God when He tells me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I can’t see the whole picture, but I am assured that I don’t have to carry the burden all on my own because He cares about me and is ready and waiting to carry it for me. My forgetful human self needs these reminders every. single. day.

Life’s going to get even harder; I know.  I mean, I don’t even have kids yet. But maybe what I’m learning now is preparing me for that and it’s teaching me things that are going to be necessary for survival and sanity when that season comes.

Not to make comparisons to anyone else, because I think comparison is almost always a bad idea, but I do acknowledge that the obstacles in my life probably don’t hold a candle to what some others are walking through. I get that, and right now this is what “hard” means for me, and it’s going to be different than what hard means for you, and her, and anyone else. But I do think we can all relate to this on some level because we’re all human.

That’s why I share this. Because too many people feel alone in the hard stuff and believe the lie that the difficulty somehow diminishes their ability to fulfill the purpose God created them for. Not being able to fix things on our own makes us feel like complete failures.  It hangs over our heads and pushes us down and keeps us from living the bold life for which we were made to live. But we were actually  never supposed to do it on our own. That all-on-our-own thing is something we made up, and it isn’t how God operates. I am so thankful for that truth to hold onto.

Maybe one day, this will be one of those stories that I can look back on and see the purpose through it all…and maybe I won’t. But right now, I will continue to grow, and be stretched, and cry, and grow some more, and hold on to the truths that I know and share the story along the way—even when there is no sparkly bow on top.